1 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:23,600 REMOTE BEEPS, WHIRRING 2 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,800 PHONE RINGS 3 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:33,440 Sally, hi. OK, they can squeeze you in for a Zoom audition at 5:30. 4 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,080 And I'm playing the part of a goblin? 5 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,080 Yes. No, hold on, they've specified troll. 6 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,480 What's the difference? Well, trolls are bigger, 7 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,320 more horrible looking and stupid. 8 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,320 Right, you've made your point. Pep talk done. 9 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:47,400 OK, Richard, I'm going to end this call now, because I want to. 10 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,040 OK, thanks, bye. 11 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,480 REMOTE BEEPS 12 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,720 Oh, for the love of God! 13 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,560 Richard! 14 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,880 REMOTE BEEPS 15 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:15,880 Richard! 16 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,440 Richard! 17 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:28,880 Ah. 18 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,480 You appear to have turned yourself into a capital V again. 19 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,200 Would you like some help with that? 20 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,760 Yes, please, if you wouldn't mind. 21 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,880 REMOTE BEEPS 22 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,200 This is going to happen every day. Let's just book a flight 23 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,040 to Switzerland now! 24 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,280 Well, let's have breakfast first, 25 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,720 and then we can look into how much tickets cost. 26 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,640 Oh! 27 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,440 That is cold. 28 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,240 Yeah, because it's currently defrosting. 29 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,200 Oh. So, what about this one? 30 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,200 Tell me what this one does. 31 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,240 That's for the TV. No. 32 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,000 That's for the TV. Mm. 33 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,760 That's sorted. 34 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,120 What about this one? 35 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,000 What does that one do? 36 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,880 I don't know. 37 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,360 That's why I'm asking you. 38 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,840 Could be, er, hi-fi? 39 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,560 No, no. 40 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,760 We've done the hi-fi already. 41 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,440 Then why are you asking me? 42 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,000 Because I'm talking about this one. 43 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,320 What does that one do? 44 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,400 I don't know. Could be any number of things, couldn't it? 45 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,480 What do you think's happening here? It's stumped you as well, has it? 46 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,960 Just nipping out for a walk, Dad. 47 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,800 Who? What? 48 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,240 Eh? 49 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,720 Good chat. Er, call if you need anything. 50 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,280 Uh-huh. 51 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,400 Are you OK there, staring at the wall? 52 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,840 Yes, yes, yes. 53 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,360 You don't want the TV on, or...? 54 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,840 No, no, no. 55 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,240 So you're just going to sit there like there's been a gas leak? 56 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,360 I worked all my life to be able to sit here 57 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,240 as if there's been a gas leak. 58 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,680 Maybe... 59 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,320 ..you should think about getting out the house a bit more. 60 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:37,600 You know, reconnect with the community, old friends. 61 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,640 You'd be happier. 62 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,000 I'd be happier. Why are you not happy? 63 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,440 We're talking about you here. 64 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,120 And that makes you unhappy? Well, right now, yes. 65 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,600 You can't let the rest of your life just pass you by. 66 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,280 You're still young. I'm 74! 67 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,480 Aye, but you're not 94. 68 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,800 All I'm saying is there must be something else you could do 69 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,640 with your day. 70 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,040 I mean, there's a whole wide... 71 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,800 ..Forres out there. 72 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,360 Well, I could maybe... 73 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,480 Actually, forget it. No, no, no. Go on, then. 74 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,920 I'll take you anywhere, Dad. 75 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,800 Well, there is a thing on up the golf club today. 76 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,240 I'm not taking you there. 77 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,480 Why not? Because it's full of snobs. 78 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,200 You know they only let women play on a Monday? 79 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,400 Not any more. Oh, have they taken that day off them as well, 80 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,920 have they? Oh! 81 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,000 See, your mother and I used to quite like going up the golf club. 82 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,680 Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'll just sit here. 83 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,680 That's what I was going to do anyway, isn't it? 84 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,120 Right, all right. 85 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,040 If that's where you want to go, I'll drive you. 86 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,680 Really? 87 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,040 OK, I've just got to make a quick wee phone call. 88 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,840 Oh, for heaven's sake, you took that corner a wee bit fast. 89 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,880 This is a hire car. You want to watch. 90 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,400 I know it is. I hired it. 91 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,320 You don't want to lose your deposit. 92 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,840 You can't park here! 93 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,720 What? Why? Because this is Crawford's space. 94 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,840 He doesn't like people parking in his space. 95 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,640 Crawford Montgomery. Why has that twat got his own space? 96 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,720 I think you mean twit. No, I mean twat. 97 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,640 He's the club chairman, Richard. 98 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,440 I suppose that job chooses you with a name like Crawford. 99 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,640 Eh? I'm not moving the car. 100 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,080 But what did you say before that? Och, it doesn't matter. 101 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,200 I was just saying... Eh? Can I say it once 102 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,160 before you ask me to repeat it? I don't actually know 103 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,240 what you're saying. I'm not saying anything! 104 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,280 Eh? HORN BLARES 105 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,880 That's somebody tooting you now. 106 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:38,280 Look, just try and have fun today, right? 107 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,960 I'll pick you up later. 108 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,240 CAR APPROACHES Are you not coming in with me? 109 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,120 Oh, look. 110 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,760 That's Crawford now. 111 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,120 Hello there, Crawford. 112 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,560 I'm sorry about this. 113 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,600 Classic Kenneth. 114 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,600 That's all right. I think the BMW will be fine here for today. 115 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,640 I see you're driving the Sportage. 116 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,200 I've just upgraded from that. 117 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,440 Yes, my son's actually just hired it. 118 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,120 Oh, yes, the pretend doctor. 119 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,040 I don't think we've any dead bodies for you to examine today. 120 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,040 Yeah? Give it time. 121 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,040 Any exciting roles on the horizon? 122 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,880 Yes, he's actually up for the part of a troll. 123 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,400 Don't tell him that! 124 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:26,400 You know, I can't help but notice your shoes there, Kenneth. 125 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,040 They're a bit mud covered, are they not? 126 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,240 You know what the club handbook says about that? 127 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,200 Page seven, section four. 128 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,760 I'm sorry about that, Crawford. 129 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,960 A golfer must be impeccably turned out at all times. 130 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,440 I live my life by three tenets - 131 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:44,000 unwrinkled collar shirt, creased trousers and shined shoes, 132 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,800 and it's never let me down yet. 133 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,600 Now, you remember where the hose is. 134 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,720 Yes. Of course you do. 135 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,920 You're the only one that ever needs to use it. 136 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,080 We call it Kenneth. 137 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,880 Definitely not a twit. 138 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,080 LAUGHTER 139 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,680 Actually, I will come in with you, 140 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,640 just to get you settled. Great. 141 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:18,000 You get my clubs and I'll go and clean my shoes. 142 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,920 LAUGHTER 143 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,000 There we are, that's me. 144 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,880 All done. Oh! 145 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,920 DAD SIGHS 146 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,960 Are you all right? 147 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,840 Your mother used to be the social one, you know? 148 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,240 I don't actually know what to say to these people without her. 149 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:52,680 I mean, the place is full of sort of lawyers and bankers 150 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,400 and high-ups, 151 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,960 and what am I, hey? I'm just a train conductor. 152 00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,920 You're not JUST a train conductor. 153 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,400 You've as much right to be in there as they do. 154 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,480 Right? Come on. 155 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,360 OK. 156 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,120 Welcome to hell. 157 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,880 INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER 158 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,200 Jesus, it's like a Rupert The Bear convention. 159 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,400 BAR FALLS SILENT 160 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,280 PEOPLE WHISPERING 161 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,840 What's going on? 162 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,200 I have no idea. 163 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,760 Gentleman, you are disrespecting the club crest! 164 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,440 Why's it on the floor, then? 165 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,640 Sorry about that, Crawford. 166 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,800 Stop apologising to him. 167 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,720 Jeez, this place, man. 168 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,360 See anyone you know? 169 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,560 Oh, Roger, how's it...? 170 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,200 Oh, there's Simon. Simon, I haven't seen you in... 171 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,080 ..ages. 172 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,960 Must be hard of hearing. 173 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,400 Eh? 174 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,360 Dr Sparrow! 175 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,800 Jen, Ian, what are you doing here? 176 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,720 Well, you know Winnie Haverson? 177 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,320 Aye, caterer Winnie? Caterer Winnie, aye. 178 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,400 Well, she was meant to be doing this tournament, 179 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,400 but her dog died last night. 180 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,000 Isn't it marvellous, Richard? 181 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,360 We've been looking for a way into the catering game in this town 182 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,920 for years, and here we are. 183 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,240 We didn't kill the dog. 184 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,080 No! Although I suppose if we did, that's exactly what we'd say. 185 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:32,280 THEY LAUGH Yeah, but we didn't. 186 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,880 Ah, very aware it's sounding like we did kill the dog. 187 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,080 You're picking up on that as well, are you? 188 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,520 Hold on, did you say tournament? 189 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,480 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Green Firs Golf Club, 190 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,280 and to the annual Club Husband and Wife Tournament. 191 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,400 APPLAUSE 192 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,440 I know what you're going to say, 193 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,160 but I need a wife to play in the tournament, 194 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,360 and don't worry, I've made a phone call, 195 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,840 it's all above board, and you're one of the wives. 196 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,000 You're just a caddy. I mean, you don't even have to play. 197 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,000 I am not walking about this golf course pretending to be my mum! 198 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:08,360 I'm not asking you to put on one of her dresses and wear make-up, 199 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,000 unless you want to do that, 200 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,360 because, might I remind you, this was all your idea. 201 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,960 In what world was this my idea? 202 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:18,360 I was quite happy sitting on the couch. 203 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,280 You were the one that says, "Come on, 204 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,320 "you'd better get back into the community." 205 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,600 Aye, but I didn't mean with me. 206 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,040 I've got an audition. 207 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,480 We'll be done by then. 208 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,160 OK, well, all that remains is the traditional photograph 209 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,880 of our lovely, lovely caddies. 210 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,240 So if you'd all like to gather yourselves at the front here, 211 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,880 ladies, we'll get that taken. 212 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,760 Aw, that's lovely, isn't it, eh? 213 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,640 On you go. 214 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,080 What? 215 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,800 You're a wife. 216 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,560 On you go. You've got to be out of your mind. 217 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,360 Is that everyone? No, got a straggler here, Crawford. 218 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,840 Dad! Oh, yes. 219 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,360 Our honorary wife for the day. 220 00:10:55,360 --> 00:11:00,560 You'll recognise him of course as Dr Sparrow from Detective Manners. 221 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,240 Ooh! 222 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,480 Yes, it's Forres's own Richard Pritchard. 223 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,240 I... Actually, I need to speak to my agent 224 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,960 about image rights before you take the photo. 225 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,000 Oh, methinks the lady doth protest too much. 226 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,240 Don't be shy...madam. 227 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,560 That's it. 228 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,920 OK, everyone, to me. 229 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,200 Right, how about a little fun one now, 230 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,960 to show that we here at Green Firs aren't afraid 231 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,800 to kick up one's heels? I know! 232 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,600 All the single ladies 233 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,040 That's it. 234 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,480 Shake your booty. 235 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,080 The dancing doctor. 236 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,520 Put a ring on it, Richard. 237 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,960 INDISTINCT CHATTER 238 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:57,200 Your mother always wanted her name up there. 239 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,840 I wish I could have won it for her. 240 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:03,000 Was that a flying pig that just went by, Kenneth? 241 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,360 Was that a woman in the gentlemen's bar, Crawford, there? 242 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,840 Where? 243 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,440 Kenny boy. Hello there, Rod. 244 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,640 Admiring the wall of glory, were we? 245 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:16,320 Just the 18 consecutive tournament wins. 246 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,560 One more and I finally beat old Mr and Mrs Ducky Willow's record, 247 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,800 and go down in club history. 248 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,680 You'll remember Elaine? Say hello, darling. 249 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,840 Stop telling me what to do. Righto. 250 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,640 Don't even see why I have to be here. 251 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,240 Well, you know why. 252 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,520 Remind me, are you wife number four or five? 253 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,080 I'll let Rod answer that. 254 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,240 Elaine is my fifth wife. 255 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,120 Sixth! Sixth, I meant sixth! 256 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,480 Bugger! And that is the main reason he's now looking for 257 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,080 wife number seven. 258 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,280 Elaine agreed to play with me today 259 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,880 as long as I give up the villa in Torremolinos 260 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,320 as part of the divorce settlement. 261 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,960 Club treasurer. 262 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,400 Club chairman. 263 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,800 I thought you gents might like to know that you'll be facing off 264 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,720 against each other. Fantastic. 265 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,160 May the best neighbour win. 266 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,040 Club treasurer. 267 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,680 Club chairman. 268 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,920 That man knows exactly how to push my buttons. 269 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,480 It should be me that's club chairman here. 270 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,920 I mean, be honest, he's ruined this place, huh? 271 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,280 Do you know, it was Crawford who decided 272 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,120 to allow women to join this club? 273 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,680 Just the six failed marriages, is it, Rod? 274 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,800 Hey! You know you're not allowed pastry. 275 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,920 Oh, back for more, Maurice? 276 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,440 Actually just need to pop to the loo, Ian. 277 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,280 Oh. Number one or number two? 278 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,880 Well, the latter. 279 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,640 Oh, well, don't let us delay you a moment longer. 280 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,880 We were just reading about the dangers of holding in 281 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,040 a number two in bed the other night, weren't we, love? 282 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,160 Very, very frightening. 283 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,120 It can lead to faecal incontinence. 284 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:08,200 GURGLING Faecal incontinence, Maurice. 285 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,760 Imagine such a thing. 286 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,040 Now, are you sure you won't have a salmon puff for the journey? 287 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,960 HE WHIMPERS, STOMACH GURGLES 288 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,000 Oh, no! GURGLING 289 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,840 Who's your food supplier? 290 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,680 Well, since the gig was so last minute, 291 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,560 we just used up what was left in the freezer. 292 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,920 Most of it was from 2017, 293 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,680 or was it 2007? 294 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,760 It was hard to tell, because some of the numbers had rubbed away. 295 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:34,400 Yeah, yeah. We've got one of those great big chest freezers, you know? 296 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,520 Huge, it is. I'm always saying to Jen, we could fit a body in it. 297 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,360 Yeah! Or a dog! 298 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,200 Oh, you! 299 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,240 We didn't kill the dog. 300 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,120 PHONE VIBRATES Oh, excuse me, right. 301 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,000 Oh, that's my agent. I's better take that. 302 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,920 Sally... Ah! 303 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,040 Hi. 304 00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,440 Who is this? 305 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,360 Richard. Hmm? 306 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,960 Pritchard. You called me. 307 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,560 Yes. Yes! Oh, yes. 308 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,080 The audition. Yes, sorry, you didn't get it. 309 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,800 I haven't auditioned yet. 310 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,240 Ah... Oh, of course, yes. 311 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,000 Well, I'll call tomorrow to say that. 312 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,240 Well, don't say that. I might get the part. 313 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,240 Oh, wow. Yes, well, I never thought of that! 314 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,800 Great, but you are going to send the link, though, yeah? 315 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,000 Yep, yep. Well, never mind. Chin up, Richard. 316 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080 I haven't auditioned yet! 317 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,120 LINE BEEPS Hello? 318 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,080 We're up next, Kenny boy. 319 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,880 Oh, yes. Canape, Rod? 320 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,320 I won't, Ian. 321 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,320 I'm currently mid-intermittent fast. 322 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,000 SHE LAUGHS 323 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,800 That's very good! 324 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,560 Oh, there's one going spare. 325 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,680 Are you winding me up? Oh! 326 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:51,160 Match two, Strang versus Pritchard. 327 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,200 Your bag's on the tee box, Ken. 328 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,240 DAD CHUCKLES 329 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,400 "Your bag's on the tee box" to you, too. 330 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,640 You'll need to move it, caddy. 331 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,080 It damages the turf. 332 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,120 Or we could agree that we're only on this planet 333 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,320 for a short amount of time and have a more devil-may-care attitude 334 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,960 towards the tee box. 335 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,600 OK, it was a long shot. Right. 336 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,520 You're still on the tee box. What is a tee box? 337 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:37,960 Oh. 338 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,000 GOLF CLUB SWINGS, CROWD GROANS 339 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,760 There, now we can proceed. 340 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,360 I'm in the rough. 341 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,080 Right, well, onwards. 342 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,160 Hey, where are you going? The flag's that way. 343 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,840 My ball's this way. 344 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,720 Oh, of course it is. 345 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,480 Two minutes down, Ken. 346 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,280 So that means you have one minute 347 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,800 before you have to declare your ball is lost. 348 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,840 Yeah, we remember from you telling us literally a minute ago, Rod. 349 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,440 Just keeping you right. 350 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,000 Right, what do you want to do? They should just make golf balls bigger. 351 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,480 But then they wouldn't fit in the hole. 352 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,080 Why am I getting involved? Here, quickly goggle... 353 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,480 Google. That's it! 354 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,480 "How to find a golf ball." 355 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,040 Good thinking. But then we should maybe have a backup plan 356 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,840 for when that definitely doesn't work! 357 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,960 ROD SINGS COUNTDOWN THEME 358 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,720 Drop ball it is, Kenny boy. 359 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,800 That's a sand wedge. 360 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,360 I need my putter. 361 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:49,840 I'll get it, then. 362 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,040 PHONE BEEPS 363 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,760 Seriously? 364 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,400 One day as a dutiful wife, 365 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,360 that's all I'm asking for. 366 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,000 Chirpy, chirpy, cheep, cheep! 367 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,480 Oh-ho! 368 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,720 Do I hear the sound of a birdie? 369 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:25,440 First hole to me. So, do you want to concede now or carry on? 370 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,160 Er, I think your wife's leaving you. 371 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,960 Oh, that's a bit much, Dad. Low blow, Kenny boy. 372 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,880 Yeah, she is. 373 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,040 Look. 374 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,320 Elaine, where are you going to? 375 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,160 The divorce just came through, so I'm off to MY villa 376 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,800 in Torremolinos. Have a nice life, or not. 377 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,000 Actually, that one. 378 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,560 Ciao for now. 379 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,520 Elaine! 380 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,480 Elaine! Elaine! 381 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,360 ELAINE! 382 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,320 ELAINE! Hasta la vista! 383 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,000 I won't be back! 384 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,040 Well, then... 385 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,840 ..that puts us in a bit of a pickle, doesn't it? 386 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:10,760 I mean, technically, without a wife, I should forfeit. 387 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,240 One win from the all-time record. 388 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,600 On the upside, we're not too far from the car park. 389 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,240 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 390 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,480 We'll, er... We'll play on. 391 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,480 What? Why? We've got him beat. 392 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,160 I don't want to win like that. 393 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,800 I can beat him properly, Richard. 394 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,200 I can get our names on that wall. 395 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,880 I don't want my name on that wall. DAD SIGHS 396 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,840 It's not actually your name I'm talking about, son. 397 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,400 Is this about Mum? 398 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,400 So, what's it to be? 399 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,280 OK, then. 400 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,200 Let's do it. 401 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,120 Really? Mm. 402 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,760 You can beat him. 403 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,760 You will beat him. 404 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,680 All right, then. 405 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,960 We'll play on. Marvellous. 406 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,600 My bag's there. 407 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,360 I'm not caddying for you as well. 408 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,000 That's the rules, son. 409 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,600 Well, don't join in with him! 410 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,960 You'll be my sixth wife. Seventh. 411 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,520 Seventh. Dammit! 412 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,920 It's coming! 413 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,640 We're golfing here! 414 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,680 Argh! 415 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,360 Guys... Guys... 416 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,000 Keep up, Dicky boy! 417 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,360 Yes! 418 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,800 Again?! 419 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,280 Get to the bushes! Get to the bushes! 420 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,320 Yes! Yes! 421 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,760 Yes! 422 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,240 Terrible time to lose your ball, Roddy. 423 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,400 Thank you, Richard. 424 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,240 That's one minute down. 425 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,840 Yes, thank you, Richard. 426 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,800 Only two more minutes before you have to declare the ball lost. 427 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,040 Thank you, Richard! I know the rules of golf! 428 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,880 Oh, this is great. 429 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,520 18th hole and you're still in this. 430 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,160 What did you say? 431 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,880 PHONE VIBRATES 432 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,240 Sally, hi. Richard, I have just had a call 433 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,320 from a casting director asking why you are not at an audition! 434 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,640 Oh, erm...I just completely lost track of time! 435 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,560 Oh, so you are still acting? Well, good for you. 436 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,240 Don't let the naysayers win, eh? 437 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,080 Right. Right, good luck with your career. 438 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,160 Where are you going? Ah, coming to help? 439 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,240 Very sporting of you... 440 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,880 Righto. 441 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,640 LINE RINGS 442 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:14,000 Hi, Fran. I am so sorry I'm late. 443 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,400 It's fine. It's one of those days. Things are a bit, "Ah!" 444 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,040 Yeah. Ah! I've had a similar kind of day, actually. 445 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,640 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... 446 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,440 ..shall we just do one? Erm, yeah. 447 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:27,320 Er, I just had a couple of questions about the part. 448 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,960 About the troll with three lines? 449 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,240 Oh! HE LAUGHS 450 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,080 No, no! 451 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,680 Shall we just go for one? Great. 452 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,960 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 453 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,800 We... Erm... 454 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,440 Sorry. 455 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,280 We have travelled many miles from Afrakeen. 456 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,200 We want to help with this fight! 457 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,520 These are our mountains! 458 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,960 All right, Richie? Do you want to see a dead squirrel? 459 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,840 Sorry, two seconds. Digsy, what are you doing here? 460 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,160 Selling golf balls. There's loads of them round here, eh? 461 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,320 I'm in the middle of an audition. 462 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,160 So is that a no on the squirrel? 463 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,760 That's a maybe later. 464 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,920 Great. Maybe see you later, then. 465 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,800 Sorry, what's happening here? 466 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,240 Erm, I-I don't know. Erm... 467 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,800 Maurice, are you all right, mate? Ah, hello, Richard. 468 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,840 Yeah, fine. 469 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,680 Oh, all right, Maurice? 470 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,200 Nature calls, eh? Er, Richard... 471 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,080 Dad, can you just stand over there? 472 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,880 Are we playing golf, or what? 473 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,680 Let me get on with this. Maurice, why are you doing that here? 474 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,000 Er, er, well, the toilets in the clubhouse were... 475 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,040 ..full! FARTING AND SPLOSHING 476 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,440 From the top? 477 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,160 Anyway, you don't know you haven't got it. Leave it. 478 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,840 I'll just tell them to start writing my name on the wall now, 479 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,200 shall I, Ken? All right, Dad, you're both on for birdies here, 480 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,000 so you've got to sink this, otherwise he's putting for the win. 481 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,320 What?! 482 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 483 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:41,560 Ducky Willows, who are you?! 484 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,160 Ha-ha! 485 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,480 Unlucky, Kenny boy. 486 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,320 You put up a good fight, but ultimately, not good enough. 487 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,480 Ah, never mind, Dad. 488 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,600 Mum would still be happy and proud... 489 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,120 Well... 490 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:59,200 ..not of everything that's happened today, but still proud. 491 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,760 No, no, no, no, no. 492 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,240 Problem, club chairman? 493 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,760 I'm afraid you haven't won, club treasurer. 494 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,600 No, no. No. You just saw me win. 495 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,880 There are 15 clubs in your bag, 496 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,520 one more than the regulation 14. 497 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,520 Page one, paragraph two of the club handbook. 498 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,000 Impossible. 499 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:25,280 Elaine. 500 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,000 The final betrayal! 501 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,640 Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Strang-Pritchard match, 502 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,040 and the only match that was able to complete 503 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,920 due to an issue with the caterer... 504 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,600 Winnie. Winnie. Winnie Haverson. Winnie Haverson. Yeah. 505 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,040 Winnie! 506 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,200 And so, by default, the winners of the Green Firs 507 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,880 Husband And Wife Tournament by disqualification, 508 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,760 Kenneth Pritchard... 509 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,440 ..and his wife... 510 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,000 ..Richard. 511 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,280 APPLAUSE 512 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,240 I thank you. 513 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,560 You haven't heard the last of this. That'll be all, club treasurer. 514 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,120 No, but I... That'll be all! 515 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:07,680 Here. 516 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 517 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,040 Thank you. 518 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:22,560 Nice touch. 519 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,760 How did you manage to swing that? 520 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,680 "A tournament winner may choose which name 521 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,560 "shall appear on the winners' board." 522 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,240 Club handbook rule 401, 523 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,240 section 12, 524 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,560 page 33. 525 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,000 Ain't that right, Crawford? 526 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,320 Make sure you put an asterisk next to it, please. 527 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:52,160 I'm sorry your audition didn't go very well. 528 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,360 I can't help but feel a wee bit responsible. 529 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,680 Yeah, that's because you were. 530 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,760 It's fine, though. 531 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,440 I didn't really fancy playing a troll for the next ten years anyway. 532 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,160 So, what's next? 533 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,680 Bowls club, bridge club, 534 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,160 staring-at-the-wall club? 535 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,320 Ooh, that sounds good. 536 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,360 YELLING AND SMASHING 537 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,960 How do you like this, then, Crawford?! 538 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,160 I told you not to park there. 539 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:24,920 Argh! Oh!